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Joke of the Week

MICHAEL Buerk  watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth  during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there,  they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his  shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his  caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks  Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by  himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky  Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre  choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice  earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on  This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed  last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on  jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his  legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing  relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your  amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single  during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:  "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's  nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like  this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix,  asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros  felt much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at  Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My  word,"  he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
WILLIE Carson was  telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:  "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from  different positions."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the  Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you  could get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was  supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,  "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they  were laughing so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the  reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so  well is that, before  each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my  god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks  is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the  field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -  "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the  Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing  Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her  mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves  it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn -  Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw  her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

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